El Faxton

NOT Published in BCNWEEK
The question is why?
Issue # To Be Divulged

This emulation/retort was written as an inspired response to the column titled, La Fatxa, in BCNWEEK. Please read her column in order to better understand the debate. And yes, there are grammatical errors in her column on purpose. She ain't from round 'eer . . .

Am pots ferr uno entrepan seeeeus plow? Is that correct? No it’s not friggin’ correct! “You me makey sandwich pleeeaz?” You like it when we try to speak the precious Catalan. But where are you? In the groups of guiris roaming these Catalan street all through the Catalan night, where are the Catalans? Sure! You say. We are not guiris! Ha ha! And then you wonder, why do these guiris speak that nasty castellano? They are here, in Catalunya. There are, for sure, various reasons for this. We know some. But I want to ask you Barcelona Catalans, who graciously accept our guiri dinero, who make so much money off of our horrible guiri tourisme . . . why do you not want to have a drink with us?
Lucky me! I have met some of you! Some of you Jordis like to play basketball. It is a guiri sport. I have seen you there. And we talk about plans for the night, plans for the weekend. It’s my birthday party next week. And, yes, we are guiris. We are Americans, Germans, Frenchies, Africans, Catalan-Morrocans, Mexicans. Well, maybe not the Catalan-Morrocan. But for some reason, he has a different punt d’vista. He comes with us. But you Catalans! You never come! I do not see you after dark in your own city. And for this, I do not know much of your culture. But I have questions my crazy Catalans. Questions, my pixapins! Meus kamakus!
Why do you love poop and pooping? I rename you “Cacalunya” je je je. Why do you make circles to do that silly dance? Hop hop hoppy . . . hoppy hop hop! Why didn’t I learn to say “collons!” from you, my Catalan friend, when I stepped in that pile of Catalan gos poo in the street. In my guiri country we pick up our dog’s excrement. But no! I learned to say “collons” from an American movie dubbed in Catalan on TV3. Why do you do this my pixapins? Can you not see the actor’s faces do not match the words they say?
No! Do not speak! Xapa! I do not want you to be angry. Do you not see? I want to see you more. I want you to teach us, Barcelona Catalans. Tell us how to tell Catalan girls that they are beautiful, or even that we have a mighty botifarra in our pants. Show us how to shake it like the circles of grandmas. I will poo in a nativity scene. Tell me where to sign up!